And when you understand you were meant to live this life alone, you hold on to yourself as tight as you can, for there’s nobody else to be there for you.
***
And maybe some people are simply meant to live their lives alone. And whom can you argue with? Can you track God down and blame him for the destiny he gave you? Can you accuse him of discriminating against you and the others? I bet you can’t.
I left my home 2 years ago and I never really missed it. First time I visited them was after 1 year and a half. My mom would count the days, while I was scared to think about it. I was afraid, and I thought that was because of how much they could have changed. But, in fact, that was not the real reason for my lack of excitement.
I always felt like an unwanted child. The one that came in the wrong time, born in the wrong family. The ugly duckling that surprisingly looks like an angel. I was born to bring pleasure. To be “pretty”. To be the one everyone wants to be like. My parents told me stories about people who visited our house only to see me: big blue eyes, curly long lashes, and blonde hair. They’d call me Angel. And that was only the beginning.
I was cursed to a fate meant to attract selfish people who don’t want to know you, who don't care about your dreams or hobbies, but want you only for your looks. People that would stop you on the street only to take a photo of you, “because your body is perfect here. It’s the look all of us want.”
I grew up and worked hard to become that smart and flawless kid my mom always wanted, but I was never enough. I always had to become smarter, better, greater, in order to grow in her eyes. A perfect score wouldn’t be perfect to her. Instead, she’d ask what the other kids got. And that’s understandable, right? In fact, the test could have been too easy so… the perfect score is no longer perfect. She would just say: “You can do better than this.”
All my childhood I’d be in the shadow of my sister that was working harder, doing it all better. I’d be too clumsy and superficial, unable to focus on what was really important, watching cartoons all day long. In which direction could the future of such distracted child go? Could she become more than a mediocre kid?
Look at me, mom, please look at me and see how fine I’m doing just now. I’m working hard to become the person I want and yeah, I ended up doing things you have never even dreamed about, and don’t worry, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate anyone, but don't ask me to come back. I can't.
Everyone told me how hard it would be to leave, to be alone in a foreign country, all by myself. They kept telling me how I’d be in pain, how much I’d miss them all, but I knew it all along that I won't miss anyone the way they expected me to, and that’s because there is no warmth I could possibly miss since I’ve never actually known it. The kid who grows without love can only be curious about the way love feels like.
So I’ve never really missed you guys, and when you ask me if I come back after graduation, I tell you now: I won't. I will never go back to a place where I’m the third wheel, to a place where I don’t belong. And it’s so interesting how people realize it all only after they lose it. Whenever I’d go back in vacation you’d embrace me with all the possible warmth, you’d buy me presents, and in one month and a half, I’d feel the love I couldn’t get in 20 years.
I was cold when we met. And so were you.The kid that was deprived of love. Some months with you were enough to make me feel appreciated and loved, and there was no commitment that could possibly make you care for me, yet you did. You made me feel as if I found my home 8000 km away from home.
So how can I call myself whole when it feels so empty without you? And maybe some are born to die alone, and that’s fine. You only need the courage to accept it.